Previously on "Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce... "
In the spirit of radical honesty,
I am dedicated to truth from here on in.
Becca is pregnant.
I try to fix everybody else's stuff
cause I don't have the first clue to fix my own.
These belong Zooey.
She's gonna visit Frumpkis
and the Wicked Witch of the South.
I'm going to hate being with Dad and the fat head.
How do you know Dr. Harris?
He's like an Oprah doctor.
Today, I find out
that he knocked up his ex-girlfriend.
Good, I'm glad he finally
manned up and told you.
How long have you known Becca was pregnant?
About a month.
That is a huge omission.
Okay fine, it's my fault.
It kind of is.
_
So...
Right?
Yeah.
Right.
Lilly, will you please go get your brother?
You're late.
- Charlie, we're late! - _
That's not what I asked you to do.
Can you please go upstairs and get him?
Hi, sweetie.
Hi.
Hello.
I should've told you about Becca
as soon as I knew.
I am so sorry.
It's just old Jake.
Bad Jake.
Not bad.
No bad.
A little bit.
I just, um...
Look, I said some horrible things too
and, ah... I was upset, I could be very cutting.
No, no, I'm apologizing.
I am sorry.
I was wrong.
And you accepted my apology
and let's not...
Spend an hour revisiting
all the awful things we said to each other.
Yeah, that. Let's not do that one.
- We could make out instead. - That I like.
Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama!
Wow! Oh, my God, Charlie, slow down!
My butt is so itchy.
Hi, Dad!
Hi, itchy butt.
Go to the car please, I'll be right out.
What about my butt?
We'll get to it.
- Hurry! - Nobody cares about your butt.
Um, hey, I was thinking,
before Latvia,
maybe we should go up to that place in Ojai
for a weekend.
We can't fix this in a weekend.
No, of course we can't,
but look, I'm going to Latvia for four months.
You're gonna be going on glam dates
and writing a book about divorce.
The clock is ticking here, Abby.
Even if I wanted to
I have to work and you're prepping.
Always gonna be something though, no!
- Okay, hey! - I want to go away with you.
How about we hole up at home?
No kids. All weekend.
Oh.
Why does that seem naughty to me?
Because how many hours do you think
we get to spend in this house without kids.
I think zero, zero hours.
- None hours. - None hours.
Great!
And then we could, you know...
- What? Oh. - On the couch, in the pool,
in the garage and...
- Garage? Are you into that? - Not that we... I...
Not the garage, I'm just riffing on that idea.
You know what we do?
We send the kids with Ford
and Lilly can help him get the cousins.
- And no phones... - Yeah.
Cause if something goes on with the kids,
Ford can use the landline.
It's old school, it's analog.
I like it.
Analog!
Good.
Oh, got to take the kids.
Quickie in the garage?
- No. - Kidding.
Okay.
- Okay. - Tonight?
Tonight!
I'm so excited.
Can't wait, I love you.
I love you.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --
Oh no, no, no, this is cute.
Right?
This is really, really cute here.
Oh, my gosh, hi!
Hello.
Marria, this is Delia, my former divorce attorney and current good friend.
- Hello, nice to meet you. - Hello.
This is Marria, we were models and were roommates in Milan.
I thought I recognized your face.
Beauty.
I know, she actually kept working
and got really good gigs.
For a minute.
Now, I'm lucky if I book
the mom in a J. Crew catalog
because I'm like,
33.
Shh.
But that's why the Blue Robin campaign
is so empowering.
You have to do this with me, Phoebe.
I got a call today,
along with the beauty here,
to maybe be in this year's
all-natural gal campaign.
The all-natural woman at any age ads?
That's enormous!
Right?
So powerful, it's positive,
raw, real, minimal makeup, no Photoshop.
Terrifying.
Come on, you look amazing.
I don't know.
My modeling years were not the best memories.
And these are test shots, right?
So only one of us actually gets the job.
Come on, it'll be fun.
I'm with Marria, give it a shot.
Anyway I got to run, I'm going house hunting with Gordon
Oh, that's fun.
Enough of this wedding B.S.
Let's just, get on the real life, right?
Do it.
We on for dinner?
Oh yeah, you bet your fine ass we are.
- See you later. - Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
So is the food good at least?
Deep-fried NASCAR pickles or whatever.
I can't wait to come home tomorrow.
Charlene is the worst.
I hate her.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear that.
How's the paradise place?
It's great!
It's like we work for IBM in the '80s.
- Ew. - Kidding.
It's fun.
Ping-pong and a swimming pool,
and Uncle Jake lives in one of the lesser areas.
It's like the Paradiso ghetto.
I thought you hate Uncle Jake.
No it's good to keep your enemies where you can see them,
my little southern belle.
Well, I can see mine perfectly.
Ugh.
Hang in there, okay?
You're almost home.
I love you.
And here's your perfect kitchen.
Don't look at me, sweetie.
It's perfect for my chef.
Oh yes. of course.
Nice, nice home office for you.
Do we like?
We love.
Now, this is the 19th century configuration
of bedroom for each.
Each what?
Person.
Oh.
Huh, I didn't know that was a thing.
Oh, yes.
It's become popular. The...
"Downton Abbey" style.
But a lot of folks prefer the single.
No, I... I kind of love it.
I love the idea.
It's very regal.
You love separate bedrooms, really?
Insomniac.
Teeth grinder, duvet hogger.
Oh, what about warts and all?
I don't know, I just...
it seems kind of romantic.
Or the opposite of romantic?
It's nice to have the option, right?
I think the bidets are African ivory.
Maybe before poaching was illegal of course.
Too late now! Come see.
Abby?
Abs!
Colder.
Warmer.
Holy shit.
Last one naked gets to do
whatever the other one wants.
That's a win-win.
I know.
That's the loudest sex we've ever had.
Definitely.
Radical honesty.
Oh, no.
What?
I would like my husband slash
ex-husband to make me a drink.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Honesty.
- That's right. - Love it!
You know seriously,
I love the conversation we had this morning.
Yeah, me too.
We apologized, we moved on, and...
We didn't rehash every argument we've had
for the last 20 years.
Exactly.
Radical honesty,
and then we let it go.
Let it go.
No!
Don't sing that song.
Fine.
You get my point?
I do.
Oh, what's in this?
Good stuff.
Radical honesty.
Cheers.
So were you in love with Nate?
What?
Okay, I'm letting it go.
Most of it.
But, you know, you told me about the Will thing,
and that somehow got me back to Nate
and were you in love with Nate.
Okay.
No, I was not in love with Nate.
It was not about that.
I think I just needed someone
to tell me I'm beautiful
and funny, smart.
I needed somebody to give me cookies.
Some ego cookies.
I wasn't giving out many of those.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well,
I do demand a lot of cookies.
Indeed you do.
Y'know I was little, I cookie-starved myself...
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.
- Mmm. - I just think as time goes by
eventually it's like you can't see each other.
Not the way other people do.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I see you now.
What?
Yeah in fact, I would like...
- Oh! - To see you lay all over...
Oh, my God!
Our dining room table.
Whoa!
We're gonna about 30 seconds
before you get all Hazmat-y
and have to clean this table up.
You have always underestimated
my tolerance for disorder.
Oh, I have?
Yeah.
So like
if I...
If I just
dropped this egg on the floor,
that'd be cool, you wouldn't have to clean it up
right away?
It would be wasteful, but...
I wouldn't...
And one, two...
You are so gonna get it.
- Three. - First of all,
you left the refrigerator door open.
Here we go, four.
That is a wild waste of energy.
Six, seven...
Bam!
Not cleaning that up, baby.
You are so dead.
Oh, my God.
When he seemed
positively delighted
at the thought of separate bedrooms.
You said he had sleep problems.
Mm-mm.
He never had a problem with it before.
What if he's that doubting the whole things?
No, did he demand separate bedrooms?
Was he trying to start a fight?
No, he said like it's nice to have
the option or something.
That's not cold feet,
and I kind of get his point.
What?
Binge Netflix, fart with abandon,
get your alone time.
It really took me by surprise.
No, I'm good.
I have a photo shoot tomorrow.
- You're kidding. - No.
Oh, my... I could've sworn
that you were letting Marria down gently.
This is probably going to be the last chance
I get to do this again.
And you know after Marco,
I'm kind of grateful to do something
that might send some good energy into to the universe.
Mm, here's to sending some good energy.
Good energy.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
Good morning Mrs. Clean.
Mm-hmm.
Good morning.
Really, the sports already?
Really with the scrubbing already?
I really don't want to watch.
Oh, come on.
Come watch it with me.
You've never given it the time of day.
You know that Phil Jackson used to have his players
practice without the ball.
Oh, my God.
No, no, cause it's about five people...
- You sound like... - Thinking with one mind.
A pretentious guy, who's about
to direct a film with Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Oh, wait!
Oh, come on.
I'm serious.
It's... you danced in college.
Yeah. It's... come here.
I'll show you.
No, I am hungover
and I need food and water.
Uh-huh, you need this.
This is the ball, right?
You can't let me get it, right?
Cause here I can get it,
but here I can't get it.
You got to use your butt.
- My butt? - Yeah you got to like dance.
I will be away from... no.
Keep it... let's see look, I get it.
Oh, God!
Ow!
That didn't hurt.
Now there's pretzels everywhere.
I know that OCD carb nightmare!
God, grow up!
Oh, grow down!
Grow down, Abby.
I don't want to be tickled.
Grow down, grow down, grow down.
No really, stop.
I don't want to be tickled.
Stop!
Oh, God! Jesus.
You hit me in the face.
I'm sorry.
Can you just like relax for a minute.
You're provoking me.
I'm not provoking you.
You clean the entire house
when we talked about not cleaning the house.
No, mm-mmm.
No.
No? And what is it Jake and Abby's
greatest hits argument number seven?
The cleaning argument?
I don't want to have it, do you?
Skip it, right?
Let it go.
I'm just... I'm gonna let it go.
I think we're either gonna save our marriage
or we're gonna end up in a mental institution together.
Same difference.
Good morning.
- Hi. - Hi.
Gordon texted.
He's just running a bit late.
No problem.
It's probably brunch traffic.
Is that a thing?
I don't know.
Anyways, no real time crunch here
since we're only seeing the two houses.
Oh, two.
I thought that we were seeing four.
Well, the ones on Roscomare and Samara
have single master bedrooms
and Mr. Beech's email said
just the two master bedroom configurations from now on.
Oh right, no, I thought the others... I didn't... they're singles.
And here's Mr. Beech!
I think I have the door code.
Mm-hmm.
You and Courtney have, uh, separate bedrooms?
Uh, good morning to you too.
We can take separate vacations.
Come on.
I just think the option is intriguing...
The option to not sleep beside me.
Okay, Chateau Du Beech et Banai awaits!
Delia, love of my life,
we are just exploring this thing.
Exploring?
You told Cyan.
- Shawn. - Whatever his name is.
The only one to see places with two masters,
that's not exploring.
That's deciding
for both of us.
Cyan, there better be two of everything.
Two offices, two kitchens.
So I take her through the whole thing,
and afterwards Lilly thinks about it for a second,
and then she says, "Mom, I'm pretty sure I'm not gonna
"have sex until college, but when I do,
"I promise I will call you as soon as it's over."
Aww.
Our little girl.
I know.
And Charlie...
Oh, Charlie's gonna lose his virginity at 13.
Or 30.
I can kinda see it going either way for him.
Agreed, I totally get that.
Ah, so radical honesty...
Go for it.
When I think about the CW, baby.
I just feel ripped off.
I feel like we did the baby thing already.
It was hard, I don't want to do it again.
Yeah.
Well radical honesty...
You probably should've come on her tits.
Right?
Right.
Like the CW baby is happening
and we can bitch about it
or we can embrace it.
But if we're at our best,
we can handle it.
I mean, we can thrive even.
Amazing.
Thank you.
Oh, my baby!
I missed you!
Oh, I missed you too,
but I can't breathe.
Mmm.
The latest delectable creations from Scott.
Game changers.
Not vegan.
Oh, exciting.
- Mm-hmm. - Thank you.
Okay now, dish it.
How bad is it?
Honestly, I don't think I have the language skills.
I don't think James Joyce had the language skills.
Really?
Mom, while I'm fully aware
of the self-sabotaging nature
of woman on woman ridicule.
- Mm-hmm. - I must say this,
she is a monster.
I caught the monster part go on.
She's dumb, she's mean, she's ignorant...
Oh, whoa, whoa, mean how?
Mean to you?
Do I need to cut a bitch?
The bitch was metaphorically cut.
She even retreated to her parlor.
I'm so proud of you.
Please don't get into it with Dad on this, okay?
Mm-mm, no.
Oh, munchkin, come here.
I'm gonna wash up and unpack.
Come keep me company?
Nothing would make me happier.
I'll be right in.
_
"Retreated to her parlor," huh.
- Zooey's back. - _
_
Can I just say,
I had your June of '98 "Vogue" cover
in my locker all of 7th grade.
Oh, my God, that's cool, thanks.
Hey, can you help out a second?
Yeah.
Thanks, Phoebe.
- Carson. - Mm-hmm?
This girl, jowls, I'm not kidding.
Can you tape them, try to put a jaw line on her, okay?
- Okay. - Kind of in a hurry.
Thanks.
Tape them?
What happened to all-natural?
Jonas?
Hey, I didn't know
you we're gonna be here.
- Phoebes, hey, honey. - Hi.
Sorry, I couldn't sleep last night.
You can work some magic, right?
I'm so puffy.
No, stop it you're fine.
Just breathe.
Okay.
I'm great.
I didn't even want to think what year it was.
The last time the three of us were in the same room together.
I'm sorry, out of time, come on.
Almost done.
Sorry, I'm good, I'm good.
I could do it, I could do it.
It's gonna be fine, Marria.
You won't regret this, I promise.
I'm gonna be fine.
Yeah.
What does that mean?
"You won't regret this."
Oh, Alicia and I, the producer, we're super tight.
And she called me about this and we started talking about
what other girls might be good,
and I totally pushed for you two.
You didn't tell me that.
- Well you're glad you're here, right? - Yeah.
How is Jonas?
Alcoholic.
She's been sober for a few months.
Just trying to throw her a bone.
You should have seen her before I worked on her.
I did see on the Twitter that you're fake date
with the real doctor was a disaster.
Well, I did cry
over you.
If you must know.
Sad, but what an awesome story.
Go on.
How much longer do you have to
do that kind of stuff.
It's kind of bad for my ego cookies.
I don't know.
I do know it's hard.
Thank you.
But I mean...
Soon you have to abdicate your role
as the face of the divorce industrial complex, right?
Not necessarily.
I am writing a book.
Oh, I know.
My parents read the press release.
"I mean, your marriage failed.
Do you have to announce it to the world?"
Ugh, that's a good alternate title for the book.
I'm sure your parents are glad
that you finally ditched the dead beat husband, right?
I'm sorry.
Jesus.
They never gave you a real chance.
And the truth is they have barely mentioned
our split at all.
Oh yeah, it's not about them.
Why would they?
Don't be mean.
I'm not being mean, I'm being realistic.
I mean, you and Max are their props.
They want the image of the perfectly happy family
until something gets messy then... whoosh!
They're ghosts! They're gone!
That is not true.
They raised us to be independent...
Come on, they raised you to raise yourself.
I mean, my mom may call three times a day,
- Yeah, that does not mean... - But she would anything for me.
- That she... - That means she's a parent!
No!
No.
This is Jake and Abby,
greatest hits number 19.
You are 19 with a bullet in rising.
Could we just?
- Move on. - Please.
- Moving on! - That number 19 is gone.
I'm throwing it out.
I don't even know what you're talking about.
What are you talking about?
Yeah.
Ah!
Okay.
I feel tense, do you feel tense?
- Yeah, I feel a little tense. - Yeah.
But I still feel like we're doing the right thing.
You know, we're not going down old roads.
- No, no, yeah, definitely. - Dead-ends.
- Definitely. - Right?
- Less talk more action. - Yes!
- We should... - We could... make hot cocoa.
Play a game of Hearts.
Not exactly action...
If you want to go the mellow route,
we could like
binge watch "House of Cards."
I've plowed through it already.
- Okay. - Sorry.
We were separated.
It's... yeah.
I mean,
we could just take a bunch of ecstasy,
find the old dance mixes and party all night.
Oh, do you have molly?
Molly... isn't that the New Coke of ecstasy?
Do you have it?
No, I don't have any.
Aww, sounds amazing.
You know there is this guy
at the the Paradiso who says anytime I want,
I could be back in like 40 minutes.
Hurry up.
Kiss me first.
Oh, my God.
All right, um,
I'll text you when I get it.
Okay, I'll find Charlie's glow sticks.
Whoo!
Zing, zing, zing, zing, zing, zing.
Novak, what?
I need a quick favor.
Is this a home invasion?
Uh, no.
Fine, if you could show me
how to forward a text message.
Okay, I'm looking for that guy.
I think he lives in 3F...
Stanny?
Oh... it's pronounced "Staani".
Stanni.
- Like Yanni. - Uh-huh.
He's in jail.
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
Bummer.
Forward texting, how?
You just...
Press it then you press contact.
- Uh-huh. - See?
Is this Zooey's phone?
Yeah.
She tells me she hate Charlene, right?
I check the phone,
and they've been texting each other
back and forth with, "I miss you," "I miss you too,"
"I can't wait to come back."
It's horrible, right?
Okay, you are, one, spying on your daughter.
And two, you're pissed
that she's not miserable
when she's with her father.
She's lying to me.
Well gosh, I wonder how you would've reacted
had she told you the truth.
That would have gone great for her.
Why are you in my apartment again?
Do you have any ecstasy, extra molly?
Oh, my God.
You two are hilarious.
What do you mean "you two?"
What does that mean?
Oh, I know all about it, lover boy!
You don't know anything.
Let's see here.
No ecstasy because I'm not 15.
Okay.
Now we've got... oh.
Two Ambien, couple Zoloft,
a Lipitor, and, um...
Oh, what do you know.
A Viagra-Frumpkis I found in my shoe.
I'll take it all.
Except the Viagra, thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Fine, just give it to me.
Don't give me the look.
Can I have a baggy or something please?
So how's my... highly-wound friend doing?
She's, um... good you know,
we'll see, we're working on it.
She misses you.
I miss her too a lot.
And if you tell her I told you that
I will kill you.
Get out.
Gladly.
_
Hi.
Hey.
Pig tails?
Interesting.
Where are you?
I'm just heading out to Soho House,
Terry Gilliam's having a screening,
"The Fisher King."
You want to come?
Um, last minute.
I know I'm sorry,
but I just found out I got a plus one.
Is it too late?
It is,
but that sounds like fun.
Look, one more question.
Anything.
Although it's impolitic to ask
about your marital situation.
What?
If you want to do a follow-up piece,
don't you need a follow-up date?
Let me say this.
I would like to follow-up.
Good to hear.
Until then.
Okay, bye.
Gorgeous.
Perfect
It's good to be home, isn't it?
Yeah.
Phoebe, over here.
Okay. Yeah.
Abby.
Abs?
Abby, where are you?
Got some really lame drugs!
- Good morning, you. - Good morning.
I feel asleep.
No, you must have blacked out
cause we... we rolled all night.
We danced like maniacs.
So you're going to be really tired.
What's happening here?
This dryer vent's been busted,
and I'm just feeling handy, and I miss being
the man around the house.
You missed attacking
various inanimate objects and screaming?
Maybe let's try the... new version of that.
Where I'm calm and capable
and you're supportive.
Sorry.
You're cute.
You are capable.
And this is... this looks beautiful.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
You mad about my party fail?
No, I'm exhausted anyway.
Actually, couldn't even find
that guy at the Paradiso,
so I had to score stuff from Jo.
- Hilarious. - I know.
What drugs did Jo have?
Ambien, Zoloft, and Viagra.
So, we would have been sleepy,
not depressed, and erect.
Yeah, could've been a crazy night.
It was a super cozy sleep though.
- It was cozy. - Hmm.
How's Jo?
Jo's batshit crazy.
Whatever is going on between the two of you,
she seems like she wants to make peace.
She misses you.
Oh, peace sounds...
complicated.
I'm good.
They want this every night.
Mr. Beech, Ms. Banai?
Everything okay in there?
Yes, you guess!
In your shared bedroom.
Hello?
We'll take it!
Wonderful!
I'm here.
Whenever.
Fine.
We go with the one bedroom.
As long as you keep taking advantage of me.
Oh, that makes me feel so good.
You know, whenever
I imagined being married,
which was almost never,
I did think about separate bedrooms,
I mean, possibly as an idea but...
When you brought it up,
I decided, no way.
I want my man close.
It's funny how these things work, right?
Wait a minute Gordon Beech,
did you play me?
You do have a certain consistencies
of character.
You played me!
You mean you wanted one bedroom the whole time?
Well hey, relationships are negotiation.
Yes, and you are just so... good.
I know, I know.
Yes.
God damn it, I love you.
And done.
Yeah?
Impressed?
I am, thank you.
You're welcome.
What's that?
Oh yeah, what is that?
Oh, I don't know.
Run inside and turn the dryer on
maybe it's not important.
It looks important.
Well, how do you know?
I'm the one who fixed it.
Except it's not fixed.
I'm just gonna...
- Just give me a minute. - I'm gonna YouTube it.
- Are you kidding? - Open my laptop.
I'm not being overbearing.
If you need help and I'm helping.
It's just help.
Well, that was quite a sentence.
You're a writer, right?
And you're a dryer repairman, right?
Okay, taking a breath.
Breathing.
Argh.
Same team.
- Yes. - Okay.
I think it will be a great idea
if you went inside
and use the Google machine
and help me fix this.
I shall.
Thank you.
Um, try...
Strickland dryer vent weird piece
or extra piece.
- One sec. - Okay.
Shit!
Hey, I just said one sec!
Just look it up, please.
No, don't Google it, Google... are you...
You checking emails right now?
I saw something from Barbara
about an assignment
and I was ignoring it
so that we can have our weekend.
Is trying to save your marriage
getting the way of your divorce job?
Wow.
Yeah, here.
Google it, please?
No look, use Google Images...
- Oh, my God! - You're looking for an image.
Would you please stop micromanaging me?
- I haven't even started. - Really?
You're any further up my ass...
- I could see out my mouth. - Out of my mouth.
Yeah, yes, you know how I knew you were going to say that?
Because you have said it an incalculable number of times!
Fix it yourself.
What is your problem?
You are so stubborn!
Yeah, I'm stubborn if I ever deigned to suggested that
you're the one who maybe did something wrong!
I have no idea what you're talking about.
I think you're going crazy.
You know what?
Radical honesty, you're making me crazy!
You can't handle honesty, Jake.
Of any kind!
Radical or otherwise.
I can handle it!
Can you?
Bring it on.
They were work emails,
or they were Harris emails.
Would you even know the difference anymore?
Why does it even matter?
Why does it matter
if you're lying to me?
Like you lied about having a baby...
No, no, don't change the subject.
Answer the question.
Fine, yes.
I corresponded with Harris...
- Corresponded! - But only because all weekend,
you've been picking on me...
- All right. - And making me feel like shit.
This is my fault.
First of all, I've not been picking on you,
I've been trying to have a sense of fun,
which I understand is not exactly in your wheelhouse.
This is what I'm talking about.
You know what?
If I do anything
that's remotely corrected
or remotely suggested,
maybe you should just try to relax.
You go to Defcon One.
That's regular Defcon.
No it... that's highest Defcon.
- No, it is not. - Stop it, stop it!
Our problem is,
and always will be,
what you said before you believed.
It's my fault.
Everything.
All the time.
Not true.
True.
I'm just a monkey.
I just fling my poo
and make bad decisions
and make messes
and you're the put upon adult
who has to come in and save the day.
And poor you, because your stuck
with your monkey husband,
you have to go find solace in other men!
Harris replaced Will!
Replaced Nate!
Who replaced your monkey husband!
Because you make me feel like shit.
- Oh, my God. - Come on, Jake.
Face it.
Who I am,
my neatness, my control,
my ambition.
You don't like me.
- Don't put it back on me. - No, you don't.
You resent that I provide for this family.
- Oh, here we go. - The more important thing...
- Money time! - You have no respect
for my career...
- How did you figure that? - Maybe if I...
gave a crap about stuff nobody cares about.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt cares about it.
And you just can't get over the fact
that I'm getting a movie made.
Your loser monkey husband is getting something done.
You know what?
I have been nothing but supportive,
even you have admitted that.
I got retroactive diamonds...
- When, when? - because of how supportive...
Yeah, well that was love goggles,
because you are not supportive
and you remind me on a daily basis
how much more functional and reasonable you are than me.
Because I am.
No reasonable, functional adult
would have knocked up his 26-year-old...
- Oh, my God! - actress rebound.
I pulled out.
- Oh, my God! - It was an accident.
You pulled out?
Yes!
Spoken like a true monkey!
Do you have any idea what you've done to our lives?
Spare me your self-righteous bullshit!
Monkey, monkey!
Stop that.
Monkey, monkey, monkey...
Shut this stupid mouth!
Shut up!
Hello?
Hey, Ford, how are the kids?
They're fine, okay.
No, um...
I'm sorry, I just ran in from outside.
Um, okay great, I'll see you in a little while.
Uh, Charlie couldn't sleep.
He's terribly homesick,
so Ford is bringing them back early and, ah...
He will be here soon.
I'll help you clean up this mess.
Hey, you.
Daddy!
Daddy just came over
to fix the dryer vent.
Yeah, I almost did it too.
Sweetheart.
I'm gonna head out, okay?
Cool.
Daddy, stay for dinner, please?
Oh buddy, dinner's not like for like a few...
No, Daddy!
Mommy, make him stay!
Please don't let him leave.
It's okay, Jake. Stay.
I'll order some pizzas in a little bit.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, I will stay for dinner.
- Yeah! - Ah!
- Yay! - All right go up, go clean up.
All right, let's get in the works.
Uh, where's Jonas?
I don't know, In-N-Out Burger?
I think she's drinking again.
So sad and so bloated.
She had like this panic attack
in makeup and it was just really sad.
Uh, no, I think she was nervous and she wasn't drunk.
And that definitely wasn't a panic attack.
Whatever, she let herself go.
Let's get to work!
She looked real.
Like a real woman without tape.
I appreciate your opinion, Phoebe.
Oh wait, I don't.
Please, just go to makeup.
Bloated, Marria?
Really?
Look, Phoebes.
I know how this goes.
They test a couple of girls.
You don't know how it's gonna work out.
Portfolios lie.
Alicia asked me who I liked from the old days,
so I stacked the deck a little.
You stacked the deck with Jonas?
You should be thanking me.
I knew she'd get cut
and now it's just between you and me.
Oh, my God.
What is wrong with you?
What, I forgot to screw my way
into millions of dollars,
so I could drink chai tea all day?
Wow.
So how are you gonna get me axed, huh?
What little lie were you gonna spread
about me?
I don't need this.
No.
You don't.
Aren't you lucky?
I should head out.
Uh, it's late.
Just stay.
I mean, we're both beat.
All right, thanks.
Where you going?
Uh, couch.
Just sneak out before they get up.
Like the bad old days.
Oh!
So...
Right.
Yeah.
Right.
So is Abby joining?
Uh, I texted her, I haven't... I haven't heard back.
I give it a 50/50 chance she shows.
Wow, what does that mean?
I don't know what that means.
That means she's not telling.
- See. - Hey, how was the shoot?
Yeah, Ms. Fancy Pants.
- I quit. - Uh-oh.
What?
Really?
I know.
Um, I guess
I thought it would be an ego boost,
but it turns out that, ah...
beautiful girls are disposable.
Yeah, cutthroat doesn't even begin
to describe that world.
And now that I'm ancient,
it's a lot worse.
I know.
By the way, when they say,
"No Photoshop and no makeup,"
what they mean is they tape
and they moisturize the crap out of you
and then hit you with the supernova of fill light.
I knew it.
Wow.
Think I need to find something
that makes me feel good about myself
for the right reasons.
Right on, lady, I get it.
What will that be?
That is the question.
I don't know.
I grew up really fast
and I skipped a lot of steps,
so I need to go back
and walk a little bit slower
and see what I see.
What is this an incantation,
are you about to turn me into a newt?
Well, that sounds good.
Thank you, Julia.
So what's the first step you're gonna be stepping?
I don't know,
but as soon as I do know,
you two will be the first I tell.
- I love it. - Newt, how about that?
- I can't wait. - I can't wait.
Yay, jinx, buy me a Coke.
- I'm hungry. - Yes.
- Are you hungry? - Yes, I'm always hungry.
You know I love you, right?
I do.
And I love you forever.
And we just can't fix it.
We are just these people together.
Are the kids gonna be okay?
Yeah, we'll make sure of it.
Okay.
We gave it a good second go, right?
We sure did.
Jake.
I think my heart is breaking.
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --